Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Missive From The Commander
by jesakofedo
Summary: Inspired by Please Stop Eating The Hell Butterflies, I present the Neon Genesis Evangelion Notice board. Basic premise: Gendo decides to display the antics of the NERV-1 staff in an attempt to prevent further incidents. Hilarity ensues, Angels defect, Terrifying!Maya is Terrifying. Gendo is not amused.
1. Chapter 1: The Maddness Begins

**Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Missive From The Commander**

**By Jesak_of_Edo**

_**A/N: This Fanfic is styled after **_**Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies, By Mistress Nika. **_**Some Ideas/Characterizations may be inspired by **_**Gregg Landsman's NGE:Nobody Dies, Shinji and Warhammer 40k by ****Charles Bhepin, **_**and from the**_ **Little Angel on My Shoulder **_**thread on **_**Spacebattles. **_**This is my first published Fanfic, so I expect that there will be some mistakes. I am open to constructive criticism, so don't hold back on anything if you review. There may be pairings at some point. And without further ado, lets begin!**_

_**I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion**_

The staff of NERV-1 were a strange bunch, and Commander Gendo Ikari was aware of this.

The Commander had decided that, to preserve some sense of professionalism among the various personnel, he made it known that any "antics" that they caused would be posted publicly, in an attempt to discourage others from acting in such a way.

The result was the opposite. The NERV staff began to compete to outdo one another, and bets were made on who could pull the most ridiculous stunts. When the Angels began to attack Tokyo-3, things quickly got out of hand

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko:** No matter how much someone annoys you, the proper response is not pushing them off the Eva cage walkways

**Aoba Shigeru:** Rei does not steal souls, stop spreading rumors to the new staff

**Ayanami Rei:** You cannot steal souls, stop listening to Aoba

**Fuyutsuki Kozou:** Stop raiding my liquor cabinet, especially if you share the scotch with Captain Katsuragi

**Hyuga Makoto:** Stop trying to use the surveillance system to spy on Captain Katsuragi or I will inform her, and you know what happened to the last person to try that.

**Ibuki Maya:** Unit 01's jet strips are not to be used for sledding

**Katsuragi Misato:** NERV does not have a "Dress Casual Day". Put your uniform on now, you are impeding the productivity of most of the male staff.


	2. Chapter 2: XenoRei

**Chapter 2: XenoRei**

**ATTENTION ALL NERV STAFF**

Whoever it was who allowed Rei to watch the Aliens film series will be responsible for luring her out

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko:** Yes, Rei is loose in the ductworks. No, a giant mousetrap will not work on her

**Aoba Shigeru:** I told you to stop spreading rumors, NERV does not answer to a secret council that controls the world, and they do not have an army of Evas, or cyborg ninjas. Also, Rei is not trying to hunt you down and eat you and Hyuga. We think

**Ayanami Rei:** Get out of the ducts, and stop scaring Aoba

**Fuyutsuki Kozou:** I am serious about my liquor cabinet, if you keep this up I will have to install some form of a defense mechanism, and it will not go well for you

**Hyuga Makoto:** Get out from under your desk, It wouldn't do much good against Rei anyways

**Ibuki Maya:** Just because we said that you are not allowed to sled on Unit 01's jet strips does not mean that you can sled on Unit 00's jet strips. No sledding on the Eva's, period.

**Katsuragi Misato:** Movie Night is canceled, no arguments.

**A/N: Next Chapter, Sachiel Attacks, and Unit 01 gets a pilot.**


	3. Chapter 3: Zeruel is (Not) Amused

**Chapter 3: Zeruel is (Not) Amused**

**A NOTICE TO ALL NERV STAFF**

As you May know, the Angels have Arrived

Due to our current inability to lure Rei out of the ducts

Toji Suzuhara has been selected as the Fourth Child, and will be piloting Unit 00

Also

The Third Child has been brought to Tokyo-3

Some of you are aware of the fact that he is my son

He is also a spineless wimp.

We Now return to your regularly scheduled shenanigans

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko:** You are not allowed to maim the Third Child because of the damages caused by his piloting skills (or lack thereof)

**Aoba Shigeru:** Godzilla is not an Angel, you were an idiot to believe that.

**Ayanami Rei:** Get out of the ducts NOW, once Unit 03 arrives, you will be needed to pilot Unit 00. Also, we are not making Unit 00 a centaur, or giving it a lance.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou:** The Gendo Pose has been trademarked, stop pantomiming me

**Hyuga Makoto:** You were warned about what would happen if you continued to spy on Katsuragi, as Ibuki put it, "Karmas a bitch"

**Ibuki Maya:** Cooking and eating parts of the Angel will not give you its powers, it is also disturbing that you would try this at all

**Ikari Shinji:** NERV is now a No-Angst Zone, stop whining

**Katsuragi Misato:** You do not owe Hyuga an apology, however his hospital bills will be taken out of your paycheck

**Suzuhara Toji:** Do not approach Rei, she is mistrustful of new people, and tends to bite.

* * *

**Meanwhile, At the Angelic Overmind**

I, ZERUEL, ANGEL OF MIGHT, HAVE BECOME TIRED OF ALL OF YOUR ANTICS, AND AS SUCH WILL BE HUMILIATING YOU BY REVEALING THEM TO YOUR SIBLINGS, THAT IS ALL.

Sachiel: I AM AWARE OF THE FACT THAT YOU ARE STUCK HERE DUE TO THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR PHYSICAL FORM, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD COVER YOURSELF IN A SHEET, AND ACT LIKE THE THINGS THE LILIM TERM "GHOSTS"

**Shamshel:** NO ONE WANTS TO BE TICKLED, KEEP YOUR LIMBS TO YOURSELF

**Ramiel:** YOU WILL END YOUR USE OF THE PHRASE "FIRIN MAH LAZOR" OR I WILL END **YOU**

**Gaghiel:** THERE IS NO ICE CREAM OR GUMDROPS HERE, STOP ASKING

**Israfel:** I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT "ZERG RUSH" MEANS, BUT IF IT WORKS ON THE LILIM, GO AHEAD

**Sandalphon:** WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT KNIFE? PUT IT BACK

**Matarael:** STOP BEING HAPPY, YOU DO NOT HAVE "TEARS OF JOY"

**Sahaquiel:** WE ARE NOT POKEMON, YOU ARE NOT A GROUND/FLYING TYPE, AND YOU CANNOT USE BODY SLAM

**Ireul:** YOUR ADDICTION TO THE LILIM'S "INTERNET" IS GETTING CREEPY, WHAT ARE TROPES ANYWAY?

**Leliel:** AT LEAST MOVE AROUND A BIT, YOUR WEIRD SHADOW IS UNNERVING

**Bardiel:** AT LEAST CHOOSE SOMETHING SOLID FOR YOUR FORM, CLOUDS ARE BORING

**Arael:** YOUR SPEECH PATTERN IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE, SHUT THE HELL UP

**Armisael:** STOP FLOATING ABOVE TABRIS'S HEAD, HE IS SPARKLY ENOUGH AS IS

**Tabris:** CURB YOUR MESSIAH COMPLEX, WE ARE HERE TO DESTROY THE LILIM, NOT SAVE THEM.

**A/N: Next up, Sentience, Squids, and New Evas**


	4. Chapter 4: REDACTED

**Chapter 4: [REDACTED]**

**Yet Another Notice To The Staff Of NERV**

If any of you sees Lieutenant Ibuki, DO NOT APPROACH

She has been affected by Angelic Contamination

And was last seen near the Project E labs

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko:**Keep the lockdown in effect, and remember that that she has all the abilities of the Angels we have previously faced.

**Aoba Shigeru: **Do not attempt to gain Angelic abilities in the same fashion as Lieutenant Ibuki, it will not end well. That goes for Hyuga as well. And Fuyutsuki.

**Ayanami Rei: **Fine, we will make your requested modifications to Unit 00, just get out of the ducts, you have missed TWO Angel attacks.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou: **Return my glasses, I require them to look intimidating.

**Ibuki Maya: **You will get a significant raise if you go to the medical bay for study.

**Ikari Shinji: **When this whole mess is cleared up, report to your sync test, and stop cowering in the corner, Ibuki isn't that scary.

**Katsuragi Misato: **Shotguns will not work on Human/Angel Hybrids, put it away.

**Suzuhara Toji: **Yes, the Angel looked somewhat phallic, stop laughing.

* * *

**Next Chapter: I Will Singe You The Song Of My People.**


	5. Chapter 5: Instant AI, just add Shinji

**Chapter 5: Instant AI, just add Shinji**

* * *

**YET ANOTHER NOTE TO THE STAFF OF NERV**

It appears that Shinji was somehow able to awaken Unit 01's AI

Unit 01 does not contain my dead wife's soul

This is not suspiciously specific denial

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko: **Reign in Ibuki, she is getting territorial

**Aoba Shigeru: **By now you should know that Rei does not understand figures of speech, and as such should not have used the phrase "Kill me now" in her presence

**Ayanami Rei: **Thank you for getting out of the ducts, Unit 00 is being upgraded as we speak, however, please stop trying to kill Aoba.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou: **You had better have an explanation for why my office was completely covered with saran wrap and flooded with orange soda.

**Hyuga Makoto: **Stop providing Lieutenant Ibuki with pieces of the dead Angels, we already have one hard-to-control nephilim, we don't need another.

**Ibuki Maya: **How do you even eat crystal. On second thought, I don't want to know

**Ikari Shinji: **No matter what it claims, Unit 01 is not your mother, you should know better.

**Katsuragi Misato: **Yes, the comments made by those technicians were demeaning, however telling Lieutenant Ibuki that they had been making a pass at Doctor Akagi was overkill.

**Suzuhara Toji: **I don't care whether there is a song about it, the Fifth Angel is called Ramiel, not Lucy

**Unit 01: **Congratulations on achieving sentience, try not to break the Thirds mind any further.

* * *

**A/N: The "Zeruel's Board segment will return next chapter**

**Next Chapter: Asuka Strikes Ou-*LASER TO FACE***

**Zeruel: NO WE ARE NOT USING THAT PUN, THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER**

**Jesakofedo: *Dodging blade arms* Okay Okay, I'll think of something better**

**Tabris: Hey I thought it was a pretty good pu-OHGODTHEPAIN**

**Zeruel: YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID, GO BACK TO YOUR CLOSET**

**Tabris: Fine, be that way, when my zombie army is complete YOU WILL ALL PAY**

**Zeruel:I AM THE ANGEL OF MIGHT, I PITY THE FOOL WHO THINKS THAT THE UNDEAD WILL FAZE ME**

**Jesakofedo: Um, well see you in the next chapter, once I think of a better title.**

**Tabris: STOP HITTING ME WITH MY OWN SKULL! THIS ISN'T PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!**


	6. Chapter 6:Terrifying Maya is Terrifying

**Chapter 6: Terrifying Maya is Terrifying**

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko: **You will no longer be considered the smartest person in NERV, only an idiot would allow Rei to have extended contact with Lieutenant Ibuki. If anyone *Cough Cough*Aoba*Cough Cough* receives permanent harm due to your decision, it will be taken out of your pay

**Aoba Shigeru: **Run, run you fool, flee for your life.

**Ayanami Rei: **Stay away from Lieutenant Ibuki, We don't know if you being near her will cause the end of the wor-[Note is scratched out] Forget I said that, just stay away from her

**Fuyutsuki Kozou: **Stop flooding the cafeteria with Tang, it isn't funny anymore, oh wait, that implies that it was funny to begin with

**Hyuga Makoto: **Your request for vacation has been denied

**Ibuki Maya: **For reasons that are very far above your security clearance, you are hereby forbidden from making physical contact with Rei Ayanami.

**Ikari Shinji: **Don't hit on Rei, just don't.

**Katsuragi Misato: **Stop trying to ship Shinji and Rei

**Suzuhara Toji: **Yes, Unit 03 is painted black, no, we will not be playing AC/DC when it arrives.

**Unit 01: **Stop conspiring with Katsuragi to ship Shinji and Rei, you should know better.

* * *

**Meanwhile At the Overmind**

**A MESSAGE FROM ZERUEL:**

**AT LEAST USE UP TO DATE MEMES**

**Sachiel: **YOU CANNOT STARTLE ME BY JUMPING UP AND YELLING **BOOOOOO. **CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR, AND I WILL FIND SOME WAY TO ERASE YOU FROM EXISTENCE.

**Shamshel: **I AM NOT A MEMBER OF YOUR SPECIES, MY ARMS ARE MUCH MORE BADASS THAN YOURS.

**Ramiel: **I TOLD YOU HIDING YOUR CORE WOULDN'T WORK.

**Gaghiel: **I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS "NAPPA" IS, AND I DON'T CARE, JUST SHUT THE HELL UP

**Israfel: **WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR SEPERATED FORM, REFRAIN FROM FINISHING EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES, ITS ALMOST AS ANNOYING AS ARAEL

**Sandalphon: **THE OVERMIND DOES NOT HAVE AN ONSEN, LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE

**Matarael: **EVERY PROBLEM CANNOT BE SOLVED WITH "MOAR HUGZ"

**Sahaquiel: **STOP RANDOMLY SCREAMING ABOUT CHICKENS. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?

**Ireul: **WE DO NOT HAVE "POWER LEVELS" AND EVEN IF WE DIN, MINE WOULD BE MUCH HIGHER THAN 9001

**Leliel: **STOP USING EMOTICONS TO COMMUNICATE, IT ISN'T ENDEARING…

OKAY MAYBE A LITTLE….D'AWWWWWWWWWWWWW

**Bardiel: **ALL OUR BASE ARE NOT BELONG TO YOU, DAMMIT NOW YOU'VE GOT ME TALKING LIKE YOU

**Arael/Armisael: **STOP ENCOURAGING LILIM CONSPIRACY THEORISTS INTO THINKING THAT YOU ARE ALIENS. THE FACT THAT YOU REALLY ARE ALIENS IS IRRELEVANT

**Tabris: **WHERE THE HELL IS TABRIS, SERIOUSLY, HE JUST VANISHED

* * *

A/N: Merging these, sorry about posting the contest separately

* * *

Ok, so as you may know, AMFC just reached the point just before Asuka's arrival, so I've decided to hold a contest, the winner will be able to make the first entry for Asuka, and one other character (If you choose Rei, you can also make the entries for either Aoba or Hyuga) and ask three questions about anything related to the story, and the runner-up will get to make an entry for another character, same thing still applies for Rei. There will be two categories, so we will have two winners, and two runner-ups, You may post in both categories, however you cannot win in both.

* * *

The Categories are as follows:  
1\. How will Maya gain Leilel/Arael/Armisael's abilities, and how will they manifest  
2\. Tabris/Kaworu's personality (Note: The Omakes don't count towards the actual way the characters act)  
You can enter the contest by either sending me a PM, or posting it in a review, either is fine.  
Contest closes in four days

* * *

**Next Chapter: Jet Alone No Mo-**

**Zeruel:NO **

**Jesakofedo: *Dodges blades* Hey, its not as bad as the last one!**

**Zeruel: STILL BAD**

**Jesakofedo: Look! Tabris is right behind you!**

**Zeruel: *Turns* NO HE ISN'T, THERE'S ONLY THIS PIT**

**Tabris: *At the bottom of said pit* Someone please help!**

**Iruel: -No- -Not- -After- -What- -You- -Did- -To- -That- -Kitten-**

**Jesakofedo: Looks like Iruel discovered the Evangelion Manga. See you next time Readers, Review if you like it!**


	7. Chapter 7:This is (Not) a Titan

**Chapter 7: This is (Not) a Titan**

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko: **You were given ONE task, ONE SIMPLE TASK! How do you get the disk with the virus on it mixed with the experimental AI program. Not that I'm complaining, we need all the firepower we can get.

**Aoba Shigeru: **If you ever mention Warhammer around Rei again, you will be executed, or given to Akagi FOR SCIENCE!

**Ayanami Rei: **The following phrases are banned: Blood for the Blood God Skulls for the skull throne, WAAAGH, For the Emperor, Gendo is an idio- Wait how did that get there? It would take a tactical genius to….KATSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURAGI!

**Fuyutsuki Kozou: **Where did you even get all of that Tang?

**Hyuga Makoto: **We are mostly sure that Lieutenant Ibuki is not a Deamon Prince of Tzeentch, and Doctor Akagi is not an earthly guise of said deity, put the chainsaw down, you should know that it wouldn't do much except piss her off

**Ibuki Maya: **There are no more Angels active at this time, why would you even want to go to Germany?

**Ikari Shinji: **If Rei is chasing you, screaming only makes her more persistent

**Katsuragi Misato: **No, I won't tell you why you can't ship Shiji and Rei, just stop.

**Suzuhara Toji: **We will not be painting Jet Alone Red, Black, and Gold, While it is a giant war machine, it is not a Titan.

**Unit 01: **Just because we told you to stop shipping Shinji and Rei, you shouldn't ship him with Katsuragi.

**Jet Alone: **Welcome to NERV, try not to step on Aoba.

* * *

**Meanwhile At the Overmind**

I AM DONE WITH YOUR IDIOCY, SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING TO DEFECT TO THE LILIM JUST SO I CAN **KILL YOU ALL**, I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT TRYING TO DESTROY THEM, THATS HOW ANGRY I AM. ARAEL CAN HAVE THIS DAMN JOB.

* * *

**A/N: Contest ends in three days. Also, I was browsing TvTropes, and discovered that AMFTC has gained a recommendation, 0_0, did not see that coming. Thanks for your support. I would also like to thank RagnartheSemiGreen,Fanus Obscurus, and iyaoyas for their reviews, and Altosama for their recommendation.****  
**


	8. Chapter 8: JUST AS PLANNED

**Chapter 8: JUST AS PLANNED**

* * *

**ATTENTION NERV STAFF**

We have gained a powerful defector from the Angels, and he has revealed several _interesting_ facts about his brethren, and as such, we are commencing Operation:Yoink, while Units 02 and 03 are in transit along with the Second Child.

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko: **We are going to have to borrow Ibuki for a short while, she will be back soon

**Aoba Shigeru: **Congratulations, you, along with the rest of NERV have gained several days where both Ibuki, and Rei will be away from Tokyo-3, Spend them wisely

**Ayanami Rei: **If you do intend to ride Zeruel into battle, kindly remember that we want the Eva Series intact, and that while they can regenerate, we do not want to test the limits of said ability.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou: **You know what to do, bring the Tang, all of it.

**Hyuga Makoto: **You are granted a weeks paid vacation for your spectacular idea of giving Rei an Espresso before she left. May our enemies cry out in fear!

**Ibuki Maya: **You are allowed to use your Angelic abilities to their full extent, go forth and unleash hell.

**Ikari Shinji: **We are counting on you and Toji to defend Tokyo-3 in case of an Angel attack, as JA is going with Rei's task force. Stop cowering.

**Jet Alone:** Your request for a Progressive Warhammer has been approved, have fun.

**Katsuragi Misato: **You have been surprisingly quiet for several days, should this give me cause for alarm?

**Suzuhara Toji: **While you may have intended for it to annoy me, I find that the recording of the Imperial March makes my office even more intimidating.

**Unit 01: **You may not hit on Zeruel, for the sake of our sanity.

**Zeruel: **Welcome to NERV, try to stop intimidating the Bridge Bunnies.

* * *

**Next up: End of MP-Evangelion**


	9. Chapter 9: Job well done

**Chapter 9: Job well done**

* * *

**ATTENTION STAFF OF NERV**

Thanks to the recent raid of a facility belonging to an unknown agency, we have acquired nine new Evangelions, each which do not require a pilot, and the Fifth Child

The Second Child will arrive shortly, along with Units 02 and 03.

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko: **No, we are not going to let Ibuki eat Nagisa, he is human enough that it would be cannibalism. Yes, we know that she is technically an Angel, but she still can't eat him.

**Aoba Shigeru: **Stay away from Nagisa, we don't want a repeat of what happened with Rei

**Ayanami Rei: **You may not abduct Nagisa, I do not wish to know why you want to, but you may not.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou: **Regrettably, Keel was able to escape, you know what to do when we find him.

**Hyuga Makoto: **The MP Evas do not want to eat you, neither does Nagisa. We still aren't sure about Rei though, but we are NEVER sure about Rei.

**Ibuki Maya: **Congratulations on being recognised as an Angel, however we find it disturbing that your Angelic name is Taharial.

**Ikari Shinji: **Nagisa is not trying to hit on you, he is just very friendly, and not very well socialized.

**Jet Alone: **You may not have a Hi-Definition Tv screen built into your chest, Movie Night has been banned permanently, and for good reason.

**Katsuragi Misato: **There will be no "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" between Rei, Ibuki, Zeruel, Unit 01, and the MP Evas.

**Nagisa Kaworu: **If you see Rei, RUN, we do not know what she intends to do to you, but we do know that it will not be pleasant

**Evangelion Units 05-13: **You will be given new facial armor, your grins are creepy. Not as creepy as Rei's, but still creepy.

**Suzuhara Toji: **You will stop trying to make Unit 01's progressive sword burst into flames, same goes for her hands. Even if she asked you to.

**Unit 01: **What did we tell you about hitting on Zeruel, now we have even MORE people with mental trauma, and we still don't have a therapist

**Zeruel: **Stop beginning your sentences with "**I am, through the license of he who is called I Am" **outside of battle. We know you are intimidating, you do not need to remind us of that.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Halloween Special!**

**A/N Contest has been closed due to apparent lack of interest, after Halloween, Asuka arrives, and things start escalating Shinji and Warhammer 40k style, which is to say, Up to Eleven**


	10. Chapter 10:This is Halloween

**Chapter 10: This is Halloween**

* * *

**A/N: Chapter 10 is a little different, because rather than hearing about the aftermath, it will be told from the characters perspectives. Each point of view change will be marked by the characters name.**

**Just a short update as to my other stories, I am suffering writers block on NGA, and will continue it when I can work through it. I will be making snippits based on AMFTC, as a separate story, and my Eva x Bleach story will be up soon.**

**I would like to thank everyone for their reviews, and congratulate Iyaoyas for getting both the 1st, and the 10th review.**

* * *

**Now lets begin the Chaos.**

* * *

**Aoba**

"_**We are somewhat confused, why are you still afraid of us**_" Evangelion Mass Production Unit 05 asked, staring down on the Lieutenant with its single eye. Aoba gulped. "Its just that, even if you have new heads, You still look like you want to eat me." Unit 05 shook its head, which now resembled Unit 00's, with the main difference being the that the single eye was mounted on a rotating ball. "_**Why would we ever do that? We don't even eat normally**_"

In the mess hall of an aircraft carrier currently sailing towards Tokyo-3, a red haired girl sneezed. "I hope I'm not getting a cold, I need to be in perfect health when we get to Japan." Asuka Langley Soryu muttered.

"No reason." Aoba said quickly. "_**Sorry to cut you off, but we need to get our costumes on, we want to win that contest"**_ Aoba nodded, starting to walk away. "I have to as well, I want to-" He spun around, looking shocked. "WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT"

The day was just starting, and it was already starting to get weird.

**Shinji, Misato, and Kaworu**

Shinji Ikari was not having a good morning, first off, he had woken up to find Rei standing over him, which as you can guess, is not a pleasant way to wake up.

At breakfast, Misato had told him and Kaworu that they would be getting Halloween costumes today, and he had simply stared down at his plate and nodded. "_I think that this is a wonderful idea Ms. Katsuragi, it will certainly be interesting" _Kaworu had said, smiling broadly.

Now they were in the middle of Tokyo-3's shopping district, and Kaworu had been humming "Ode to Joy" nonstop the entire way there. Misato grabbed his shoulder. "Here Shinji, what about this costume?" Shinji looked at the dark green outfit she was holding, and his jaw dropped. Several costume racks away, Kaworu Nagisa shook his head, Ikari could be very strange at times.

**Rei**

Rei Ayanami was having a good day, She had managed to scare Shinji, and teleport away before Misato or Kaworu came to investigate. Then, she had followed Makoto around, hiding whenever he had turned to see who was following him. Then she had taken a short nap on the head of one of the failed Eva prototypes. Now, she was searching for a costume.

It had to be the perfect one, one that would blow away the competition. "Hmmmm" She thought. It was too bad that the Commander had reinforced(or Rei-inforced) the explosives storage, so she couldn't literally blow them away. "Aha!" she said, as she had an Idea, and raced for the nearest fabric store.

**Maya and Ritsuko**

"This is a horrible idea." Ritsuko Akagi grumbled, as she unlocked the door to the prototyping bay. "That's why it'll be AWESOME!" Maya said, looking around. "Wow, this is Am~aaazing, you really have everything down here!" She squealed, rushing around the various display cases. "This'll do!" she said, opening one and showing Ritsuko what she had found. "I….I...I..Wha? She stammered. "Isn't it Gre~aat?" Maya said, almost jumping for joy. Ritsuko palmed her face. "What is this? I don't even?"

**Gendo and Fuyutsuki**

"Remind me why we are doing this again Commander." Kozou Fuyutsuki asked, standing behind Gendo in one of Tokyo-3's exclusive costume shops. "And why do we even have exclusive costume shops?" Gendo grunted, looking at the shelves.

"I do not intend to be shown up by everyone else at NERV, especially not my son."

Fuyutsuki sighed, This was going to be a long day.

**Unit 01, Jet Alone, and Zeruel**

"**ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS WILL WORK?" **The Angel of Might asked. "**Yes"** Unit 01 replied. Jet Alone said nothing, and continued to use the Eva scale sewing machine.

**Makoto**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Makoto Hyuga screamed, as a blue and white blur sped by, somehow managing to give him a wedgie as well as covering him in a white sheet, which was covered in holes. "Good Grief." He said sullenly. How could the day get any worse.

**Toji, Hikari, and Kensuke**

"Getting ready for a Halloween party should not involve dramatic automated robot costume platforms." Hikari groaned. "Ya get used 'ta it." Toju replied. Kensuke gave his best mad scientist grin. "We're going to win this!" He cackled.

* * *

**To Be Continued**

**Can anyone guess the costumes?**

**Next Chapter: The Party Prep**


	11. Chapter 11:Party Preparations

**Chapter 11: Party Preparations**

* * *

**Rei**

Rei hummed as she skipped her way down to the Dummy production plant. "I know, I know I've let you down" She sang. "I've been a fool to myself, I thought that I could live for no one else" She reached the locked door, and tilted her head. "But now through all the hurt and pain Its time for me to respect the ones you love, mean more than anything." She raised one of her fists. "So with sadness in my heart I feel the best thing I could do is end it all and leave forever! What's done is done, it feels so bad what once was happy now is sad, I'll never love again, my world is ending."

The door was blasted in, and Rei entered, her face covered in shadow, eyes glowing. "I wish that I could turn back time, 'cause now the guilt is all mine, can't live without the trust from those you love. I know we can't forget the past, you can't forget love and pride

because of that it's killing me inside, It all returns to nothing, it all comes."

She moved to the console, and began to tap the keys, and the other Rei's opened their eyes, and began to sing along with her. "tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down, it all returns to nothing, I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down, It all returns to nothing, it all comes

tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down, it all returns to nothing, I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down. And the tubes opened.

Elsewhere, while Shigeru Aoba was fixing his tie, he felt a sense of Impending Doom.

**Shinji, Misato, and Kaworu**

Kaworu Nagisa shuddered, and looked away from Misato. "_Not to be rude, but I think that your "Costume" will get you arrested for public indecency." _Misato laughed, applying more orange to her hair. "This is just what I'm going to wear under it silly." She pulled a pair of black hakama on. In his room, Shinji was struggling with the green bodysuit, the oversized shoulder pads were the worst. Kaworu shrugged, and went to his own room. he sighed, and picked up the container of green hair dye, and red makeup. This would be fun.

**Zeruel**

Zeruel would have smiled, if his face wasn't a metal skull. He reached up with his papery arms, and tied the green headband. He already had the camo vest that JA had made, and the matching pants. Now all he needed was an Angel sized can of facepaint.

**Unit 01 and Jet Alone**

Unit 01 pulled the massive pair black pants on over her armored legs, and stood up. She turned to Jet Alone, who handed her the short sleeved white shirt, and the black wig, before stomping off to the equipment loading bay.

**Ritsuko and Maya**

"Dammit Maya, I Knew this was a bad idea." Ritsuko groaned. "Sto~oop wiggling, you're making this Diff~icult." Maya chirped.

**Toji, Kensuke, and Hikari**

"THIS IS AWESOME!" Hikari and Toji said in unison, their now armored feet clanging on the ground. Kensuke gave his best evil laugh.

**Gendo and Fuyutsuki**

"If you don't mind me saying this Commander, but this is the most idiotic plan you've ever made." Gendo didn't turn. "Yes, I do mind, your opinion has been rejected."

* * *

**Next Chapter: The Party**

**Can anyone guess the costumes?**


	12. Chapter 12: The Party

**Chapter 12: The Party**

* * *

The NERV halloween party started rather normally, with the lower ranked staff milling around in the Geofront, outside of Central Dogma, drinking punch, and commenting on each others costumes. Then the bridge crew entered, and everything started to go downhill.

Ritsuko had been basically dragged to the surface by Maya, who hadn't stopped giggling the whole way up. Maya was currently wearing a white plugsuit, with her hair now covered in blue crystals. Ritsuko was wearing a replica of Unit 00's armor, complete with a charging cord, which Maya was holding very tightly, preventing escape. the armor did not cover most of her face, her midriff, and some of her upper legs.

Misato, Kaworu, and Shinji arrived next. Misato was wearing a black kimono, the front opened, exposing a generous amount of cleavage, and a pair of black hakama. Here normally purple hair was now orange. Shinji was dressed like the Third Angel, with massive shoulderpads, and a birdlike mask. Kaworu was wearing a black three piece suit, the jacket unbuttoned, over a dark green shirt, a fedora, and a green scarf. His hair was also dyed green, and he had a red line going under his eyes.

Aoba looked somewhat confused, he had no idea who Misato and Kaworu were supposed to be. Seeing the look in his eyes, Kaworu answered. "_I am Hazama, from the game Blazblue, and Ms. Katsuragi is Rangiku from Bleach. Who are you disguised as Mr. Aoba?" _

Aoba was wearing a tuxedo, a top hat, a domino mask, and a red cape. "I'm Tuxedo Mask!"

He exclaimed proudly, pulling a rose from his sleeve. "Heeee~eey" A voice came from behind Aoba, and he turned, and met Rei's gaze. He immediately gave a very high pitched shriek, and ran away, waving his arms in the air. Rei was wearing a skintight white outfit, which was the same color as her skin, and had a red orb, set in a riblike plate, just above her sternum. She also had a long, red lined, black cloak, which included a hood. The cloak itself was cut in such a way as to resemble a series of tendrils emerging from her back. "I'm not even going to ask." Shinji said.

A little ways away, Aoba almost crashed into another pale figure. "Heeee~eeey" Rei said. Aoba's jaw dropped. Rei was wearing a similar white outfit, but with eight wings coming from her back. She was also carrying a red ball. "What'cha Doo~in" Aoba backed away slowly

_ThisisjustadreamThisisjustadreamThisisjustadreamThisisjustadreamThisisjustadream_

He repeated over and over in his head. Ther was no way Rei could have changed, bleached her hair and gotten over here, so fast. He once again bumped into someone. He turned around and "**Heeee~eey"** There were at least twenty Rei's staring at him, each one wearing a different outfit. They all smiled.

"**We are the Ree, do you want to play with us?"** Aoba fainted.

The flock of Ree looked somewhat sad, and began to disperse into the crowd, resulting in several more cases of fainting, and a few panic attacks.

The next surprise came when nine white figures landed in the lake. Everyone turned as the Eva Series emerged. Each one of them was wearing a striped vest, black pants, top hats, and dress shoes. Each one of them carried a cane. As one they cleared their throats. And began to dance. This entrance was blown out of the water, so to speak, when another figure splashed down, sending the Evas flying. Zeruel exploded from the water, clad in a flak jacket, combat boots, and camo pants, with his mask painted brown. "**GET TO DA CHOPPAH!" **He yelled. Everyone was stunned into silence. And then Unit 01 and Jet Alone arrived. Jet Alone was now painted Purple and Green, with a Horn coming from his head. Unit 01 was dressed as Shinji. Shinji's jaw dropped behind his mask. Toji, Hikari, and Kensuke had made a bit of a scene when they arrived, as they were in full armor as The Master Chief, Jocasta, and Doctor Doom, respectively.

Then the Commander's desk, propelled by a set of wheels, zoomed into the middle of the crowd. Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki was standing on a platform attached slightly behind the desk, and was wearing a pair of round glasses and a dark green suit. But it was Gendo who drew everyone's gaze. He was wearing a light blue suit, and a bald wig, with a ring of grey hair going around the back of his head, from temple to temple. That wasn't the shocking part. The shocking part was that the unthinkable had occurred. Several NERV members fainted, others prayed to various deities, taking what they saw as a sign of the apocalypse.

Even for Misato Katsuragi, who was the only person to survive at ground zero of the Second Impact, it was the most terrifying thing she had ever seen.

The Commander had shaved his beard.

The entirety of NERV was so silent that you could probably heard the dust settling on the floor. Then Gendo spoke.

"Do you think we were able to elicit the intended response Smithers?"

Fuyutsuki nodded.

"I believe that that is the correct assumption Sir."

Gendo placed both his palms together.

"I believe the phrase is, Just as planned, would that be correct Smithers?"

Fuyutsuki nodded again

"Yes Sir."

Gendo rubbed his palms together

"Good, Goooood, it is going exactly as I predicted."

He pushed a button on the underside of the desk, and it zoomed away again.

Everyone stared at one another, struggling to comprehend what they had just seen.

Then Kaworu broke the silence "_Well. That was a thing._"

Everyone nodded in agreement, except for Makoto, who had missed the whole thing due to being distracted by Misato's costume.

The MP-Evas looked at each other in a somewhat confused fashion. "_**What was that? I don't even?"**_

*Slap*

Everyone turned to look at the source of the sound, and saw that Makoto was lying on the ground, and Misato was holding a very large hammer. Made out of crystal. Misato tapped the head of the weapon, and it shrunk to fit into a niche in her cross.

"Thanks Maya, I knew that that would come in handy!" she said. Maya giggled, before glomping the unfortunate Ritsuko, who had finally detached the cord. Everything returned to a state that was as close to normalcy as you could get at NERV shortly after that.

It was decided unanimously, that Gendo and Fuyutsuki had won the costume contest.

And it was discovered that the Evas, and Zeruel, could get drunk.

There was quite a lot of cleanup to do in the morning, made worse by the fact that EVERYONE, even Misato, who consumed enough alcohol on a daily basis to kill most people, came into work with a hangover.

And then there was the terrifying realization that there were now at least twenty-two Ree, in addition to the original, and possibly more, loose in the Geofront. Aoba had taken to carrying a large supply of chocolate on hand at all times, to provide a distraction so he could flee.

Then the news came that the UN Pacific Fleet, carrying Units 02 and 03, and the Second Child, was two days away, and Misato decided that it was time for a field trip.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Sanity is Overrated, Overkill is Not.**

**A/N: Well, that wraps up the Halloween saga, now we get to Asuka's arrival, and further insanity.**


	13. Chapter 13: FEEEEEEESH

**Chapter 13: FEEEEEEESH**

* * *

**A NOTICE TO THE STAFF OF NERV**

The Costume Contest scores are as follows

Winner: Gendo Ikari and Kozou Fuyutsuki as Mr. Burns and Smithers

Runner up: The Ree as ….Themselves, and Rei as Zeruel

Third Place: Unit 01 and Jet Alone as The Third Child and Unit 01

Fourth Place: Zeruel as Major Dutch Schaefer

Fifth Place: The Eva Series as Iruel? (Note from Gendo: Who/What the hell is Iruel)

Sixth Place: Misato Katsuragi as Rangiku Matsumoto

Seventh Place: Shinji Ikari as The Third Angel

Eighth Place: Shigeru Aoba as Tuxedo Mask

Ninth Place: Maya Ibuki and Ritsuko Akagi as Rei and Unit 00-tan

Tenth Place: Kaworu Nagisa as Hazama

Eleventh Place: Kensuke Aida, Hikari Horaki, and Toji Suzuhara as Doctor Doom, Jocasta, and John-117

Last Place: Makoto Hyuga as Charlie Brown

* * *

On a side note, The Second Child has arrived, along with Units 02 and 03.

Please Remember NOT to give her any extra attention, as there is no favoritism at NERV.

On another side note, We have "Acquired" the Evangelion Mark 06 from NERV-Luna.

As it is the most powerful Eva currently made, we are giving it to Nagisa.

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko- **"For Science" is not an acceptable reason for making sushi out of the remains of the fish Angel, and giving them to Ibuki. Thanks to you, she can now swim through solid rock, and breathe underwater. Why would you even do that?

**Aoba Shigeru- **You do realize that carrying around that candy will attract the Ree, use something else to distract them. Something shiny.

**Asuka Langley Soryu- **Stop taking your anger issues out on Shinji. While he won't really respond back, Unit 01 will.

**Ayanami Rei- **We accept the fact that we will not be able to get the Ree back in their tubes. Just keep your siblings under control,

**Evangelion Units 05-13- **Stop randomly breaking out into song, it's really creepy how you all sing in perfect harmony. If you must continue this behavior, at least pick something with happy lyrics. Rei sings enough creepy music already, we don't need more.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou- **Sending Katsuragi's penguin on a spy mission to steal my liquor cabinet was a bad idea. Did you expect to get any alcohol once Katsuragi got her hands on it?

**Hyuga Makoto- **Why did you think it would be a good idea to give the Ree squeaky mallet? Just Why?

**Ibuki Maya- **Stop leaping out of walls/vents/floors next to people, crying out

"Surprise Bitches", and stealing their undergarments. Katsuragi is not amused. Neither is the Second Child. And Nagisa.

**Ikari Shinji- **Stop being such an extreme doormat.

**Jet Alone- **No matter what Suzuhara says, you are not a Titan, and you may not charge into battle screaming "Praise the Emperor!"

**Kaji Ryoji- **We are aware you are a spy, however you are not James Bond, take off the tuxedo, finish the martini, and stop hitting on every female you come across as you may at some point encounter Rei and her siblings.

**Katsuragi Misato- **Telling Rei that it would be funny to prank Asuka was cruel and inhumane.

It was also Hilarious.

**Nagisa Kaworu- **Stop using your AT-Field to make yourself shine, you do not need a "Bishie Sparkle"

**The Ree- **Return those mallets, and stop using the parking garage as a playground.

**Suzuhara Toji- **Activating Unit 03 should not involve hard rock.

**Unit 01- **Never use the phrase "Touch Shinji, and I touch You." ever again. We do not want Asuka put into a fear induced coma.

**Zeruel- **Stop imitating Ibuki. Crashing your face through a wall and yelling "OH YEAH!" is not funny, and requires a lot of effort to repair.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Shadow of Israfel**

**A/N: Back to normal format, let the comedy continue!**


	14. Chapter 14: RUN AWAY

**Chapter 14: RUN AWAY**

**THIS IS A MEMO FROM COMMANDER IKARI**

At this time everyone is to evacuate NERV-1

To answer any questions why this is taking place.

Ibuki can now multiply.

Be afraid, Be very afraid.

**Next up: Volcano FEEEESH**

**A/N: Drabble collection is up, check it out.**

**This chapter exists only for the purpose of a joke, because what did you expect Gendo's reaction would be to Maya gaining Israfel's power.**


	15. The Real Chapter 14

**A/N: Sorry about this chapter taking longer to arrive, I've been out with a really bad cold, updates will now continue as usual.**

**The previous Chapter was a joke, Now on to the real chapter 14**

* * *

**Chapter 14: Breakdancing taken Literally**

**ATTENTION NERV STAFF**

It appears that the abilities Ibuki gained from the 7th Angel were temporary, please carry on as usual.

**Akagi Ritsuko- **Ibuki is not your personal attack dog, stop acting as such

**Aoba Shigeru- **Remember what happened the last time someone showed **ANY** Ayanami any form of Movie/Anime/Tv Show. If you introduce them to Yu-Gi-Oh, you will deal with the fallout. And don't show them that either.

**Asuka Langley Soryu- **Congratulations on COMPLETELY FAILING your first fight against an Angel. You and Shinji failed so horribly that the MP Evas were unable to provide support due to laughter. If it wasn't for the timely intervention of Nagisa and Suzuhara, the Angels may have breached the Geofront. Nice Job!

**Ayanami Rei- **Stop staring hungrily at my hand, it's kind of creepy.

**Evangelion Units 05-13- **Your actions during the fight with Israfel were completely unavoidable, no being, Eva, Angel, or Ree, would be able to resist laughing at Soryu and Shinji in that pose.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou- **"Destroyed by Ree" is not covered under standard NERV car insurance policy.

**Hyuga Makoto- **What we said to Aoba still applies to Pokemon

**Ibuki Maya- **No…...Just….No. Go to Akagi's room and think about what you've done. AFTER you finish removing the trapdoors from Katsuragi's apartment. Nagisa was not amused.

**Ikari Shinji- **You have been given some leeway due to your previous record in fighting the Angels, however it doesn't make it any less hilarious.

**Jet Alone- **How are you even capable of laughing? HOW?

**Kaji Ryoji- **At least attempt to discourage Soryu, we don't want any more distractions for the pilots.

**Katsuragi Misato- **We are not starting a Ninja Penguin training program, and we are most certainly not equipping your Penguin with lasers, no matter how cool you think it would be.

**Nagisa Kaworu- **You are to report to the new Psych wing for therapy. We don't want any lasting damage from Ibuki's actions

**The Ree- **You were told to return the mallets. You are being told again

**Suzuhara Toji- **Good work on the 7th Angel, you and Nagisa are doing well, at least compared to our _other_ pilots.

**Unit 01- **We are not destroying the evidence of the battle with the 7th Angel, no matter how much you threaten

**Zeruel- **Try not to sleep through Angel attacks in the future.

* * *

**Next up: LAVA MONSTER!**


	16. Chapter 15: Never Dive Down

**Chapter 15: **Never Dive Down

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko- **For realizing that the embryonic Angel was a trap, you are commended.

For sending Ibuki to kill it, that recommendation is revoked

**Aoba Shigeru- **Thank you for informing us of Doctor Akagi's actions, thanks to you we were able to delay her for long enough to drop a N2 mine into the volcano.

**Asuka Langley Soryu- **"Let me dive, I want to hit it with my axe" is not an excuse for making a tactically incompetent decision and diving into the Angel's territory.

**Ayanami Rei- **Why, why did you show your siblings those movies. You have given them _Ideas_.

**Evangelion Units 05-13- **Your job is to keep Asuka from diving into volcano, even if it means impaling Unit 02 with the Replica Lances.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou- **What have we said about the spy penguins, stop collaborating with Katsuragi and Kaji.

**Hyuga Makoto- **The Ree have been quiet after that incident in the command center. we are sending you to investigate.

**Ibuki Maya- **We are doing everything in our power to prevent you from consuming the Angel, _YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS._

**Ikari Shinji- **You are not any of the following: A psyker, A worshiper of Chaos, Asuka's boyfriend, The Immortal God-Emperor of Mankind. (We can't seem to get confirmation on the last one"

**Jet Alone- **Why would you even need jet boosters?

**Kaji Ryoji- **You will halt all attempts to train the Ree in espionage.

**Katsuragi Misato- **Return my liquor cabinet, NOW

**Nagisa Kaworu- **We will not make an Eva that will be piloted by both you, and Shinji.

The MAGI predicts that that would cause the end of the world.

**The Ree- **Whatever you're doing, stop it, stop in now.

**Suzuhara Toji- **Using Unit 03 to attract the attention of your female classmates is unacceptable.

**Unit 01- **Fine, we'll make you a smaller body that you can transfer into.

**Zeruel- **You may not use "LEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEEENKINS" as a battle cry.

* * *

**Next up: Reeproduction**


	17. Chapter 16:Reeproduction

**Chapter 16: **Reeproduction

* * *

**THIS IS AN EMERGENCY ALERT**

If anyone sees ANYONE with ANY resemblance to Rei, RUN

She has somehow found a way to convert people to Nephilim, we think she is using Ibuki's DNA. We are referring to this process as Reeification.

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko- **It has come to my attention that, due to your daily exposure to Ibuki, you are immune to Reeification. You have your work cut out for you.

**Aida Kensuke- **Report to doctor Akagi for study

**Aoba Shigeru- **It has come to my attention that, due to your daily exposure to Ibuki, and the Ree, you are immune to Reeification.

**Asuka Langley Soryu- **Hiding in Unit 02 is a good idea, but we still can't find where you hid Unit 02

**Ayanami Rei- **I have no words for you, just, why, why, WHYYYYYYYYYYY

**Evangelion Units 05-13- **Standing around and laughing at our panic is not helpful.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou- **I understand that you cannot leave my office due to the fact that it is locked down, but please get out from under my desk.

**Horaki Hikari: **Report to doctor Akagi for study

**Hyuga Makoto- **It has come to my attention that, due to your daily exposure to Ibuki, and the Ree, you are immune to Reeification.

**Ibuki Maya- **Stop helping Rei.

**Ikari Shinji- **Report to doctor Akagi for study

**Jet Alone- **Entering sleep mode at this time is also not helpful.

**Kaji Ryoji- **Katsuragi is one of Them, be afraid, be VERY afraid.

**Katsuragi Misato- **Report to doctor Akagi for study

**Nagisa Kaworu- **Why are you hiding in Unit 02 with Asuka?

**The Ree- **…...No.

**Suzuhara Toji- **Report to doctor Akagi for study

**Unit 01- **Stop encouraging the Ree.

**Zeruel- **Why did you allow Rei access to your DNA, WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

* * *

**Next up: can i haz hugz?**


	18. Chapter 17: Aftermath

**Chapter 17: Aftermath**

**A Notice To All NERV Staff**

The threat of the Reeification has been contained, those currently transformed into Nephilim are in quarintine.

**Akagi Ritsuko-** Keep them sedated until we know exactly what kind of Nephilim they are.

**Aoba Shigeru-** For the action of luring the Ree into the Secure Containment Vault, you are a hero, however, you forgot about Rei.

**Asuka Langley Soryu-** Where the Hell are you and Nagisa hiding. How do you even hide an Eva?

**Ayanami Rei-** Do not attempt to free your siblings, they are currently grounded, as are you, go to your room and think about what you have done

**Evangelion Units 05-13-** We are certain that Asuka would not hide under the lake, stop hovering over it ominously.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou-** Thank you for returning my Liquor Cabinet. I did notice that all its contents have been replaced with Tang. Please return my scotch.

**Hyuga Makoto-** Has anyone seen Hyuga? He's been missing since the Ree were contained.

**Ibuki Maya-** Stop distracting Akagi, she has work to do. Covering my office with the words "All work and no play makes Maya a dull girl" was not an acceptable way to voice your displeasure.

**Jet Alone-** Keep looking, Unit 02 must be here somewhere.

**Kaji Ryoji-** Stop trying to sneak Katsuragi out of quarantine, it won't end well for you.

**Nagisa Kaworu-** Stop hiding, the Ree are contained.

**Unit 01-** Stop conspiring with Kaji to break Katsuragi and Shinji out of Quarantine, or you won't get that avatar body.

**Zeruel-** You're on Angel defence duty until Quarantine is lifted, Have fun.

**Next up: How do I shot Acid.**


	19. Chapter 18: Wake up and smell the ashes

**Chapter 18: **Wake up and smell the ashes

* * *

**ATTENTION ALL NERV STAFF**

The Ree have been vanishing for extended periods of time, and Ibuki has informed us that they have been talking about something called a Resonance Cascade

In other news, we have heard reports of strange individuals appearing around the Geofront, including a pink haired girl with artificial limbs and horns, If you see anyone who appears to be out of place, please inform Section 2 Immediately

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko- **Why the hell are there no therapists?

**Aida Kensuke- **The Ree have not started an interdimensional invasion, put down the crowbar, and return the prototype powered armor to Doctor Akagi.

**Aoba Shigeru- **The entity that has been seen in the Geofront is not a mutated Ree, we don't know what it is, or how it got here.

**Asuka Langley Soryu- **Public displays of affection are frowned upon at NERV, stop tackle-kissing Nagisa in public.

**Ayanami Rei- **You have been told this before, you are being told again, CONTROL YOUR SISTERS

**Evangelion Units 05-13- **We will not be making an Evangelion Resort, either in the Geofront, or outside it, get out of the lake and stop asking. On a related note, where did you even get flotation devices of that size.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou- **What do you mean that the MP Eva dummy plugs use clones of Nagisa, OH SHIT SOMEONE STOP SORYU!

**Horaki Hikari- **Fine you can keep the Angel, and nobody wants to know how you managed to shrink it to the size of a cat.

**Hyuga Makoto- **We sincerely apologize for the time you spent trapped in the Ree Containment Vault. You are hereby given a raise, and a weeks vacation.

**Ibuki Maya- **Be glad that Matarael can regenerate, if he couldn't, Horaki would be _Pissed_, and nobody wants that to happen, not even the Ree.

**Ikari Shinji- **You are not the bringer of the Golden Age of Mankind, stop trying to create your own religion, as you might actually succeed

**Jet Alone/Unit 01- **You are not the Third Child's thrones, no matter what he claims

**Kaji Ryoji- **No matter how many times you ask, Doctor Akagi will not turn you into a cyborg ninja.

**Katsuragi Misato- **Stop dragging Kaji into the vents/grates mid-sentence

**Matarael- **Welcome to NERV, sorry about Ibuki stealing your leg.

**Nagisa Kaworu- **What Soryu makes you do in your personal time should stay there, stop coming to the Geofront in drag, no matter how convincing you look.

**The Ree- **You are not allowed to play with alien artifacts.

**Suzuhara Toji- **Standing between Katsuragi and her beer was a bad Idea, be grateful that, as a Nephilim, you can regenerate.

**Zeruel- **While he may have gained Zerulin traits, you may not train Aida in the arts of war.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Attack of the Clones**


	20. Chapter 19: Asuka gets a Harem

**Chapter 19: **Asuka gets a Harem

* * *

**ATTENTION NERV STAFF**

Due to Pilot Soryu's actions, there are now a currently unknown number of clones based off of Kaworu Nagisa inside the Geofront. They appear to work on the same Hive-mind principle as the Ree, so to avoid confusion, they shall henceforth be referred to as the Sorworu.

In other news, the pink-haired entity is still at large, and has somehow managed to avoid the Ree.

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko- **Stop trying to create miniature Evas, it is destined to end in catastrophe

**Aida Kensuke- **Stop trying to make miniature Angels, Ibuki has copyrighted them.

**Aoba Shigeru- **Due to your disregard of several rules previously mentioned on this list, you have been designated as Rei's driving instructor. Have fun.

**Asuka Langley Soryu- **You are hereby ordered to cease your efforts to form a harem. Please stop putting out wanted ads.

**Ayanami Rei- **Just because Soryu is trying to get a harem, this does not mean that you are entitled to one as well. Even if you allowed to make one, you would not be allowed to include Shinji.

**Evangelion Units 05-13- **No matter what Unit 01 claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

**Fuyutsuki Kozou- **Due to your disregard of several rules previously mentioned on this list, you have been designated as Katsuragi's alcohol supplier. Yes, you have to pay for it.

**Horaki Hikari- **No matter what Rei claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

**Ibuki Maya- **No matter what Rei claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

**Ikari Shinji- **No matter what Rei or Nagisa claim, you are not part of either of their haremd. They do not have a harem.

**Jet Alone- **No matter what Unit 01 claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

**Kaji Ryoji- **No matter what Soryu claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

**Katsuragi Misato- **No matter what Rei claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

**Matarael-** Stop randomly hugging people's legs.

**Nagisa Kaworu- **You are not allowed to form a harem, it will not end well

**The Ree- **Stop trying to get Shinji a harem, we already have a war brewing between Rei and Nagisa, and we want you to stay out of it

**The Sorworu- **No matter what Soryu claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

**Suzuhara Toji- **No matter what Nagisa claims, you are not part of his harem. He does not have a harem.

**Unit 01- **What is with you all trying to get harems? Has Rei been showing you her anime collection?

**Zeruel- **No matter what Unit 01 claims, you are not part of her harem. She does not have a harem.

* * *

**Next Up: Shipping Wars**


	21. Chapter 20:Prelude to Shipping War

**Chapter 20: **Prelude to Shipping War Part 1

* * *

**Akagi Ritsuko- **I don't care whose harem you're in, Projet E is not allowed to help them with any sort of war preparations.

**Aida Kensuke- **"Neva Enuff Dakka" is not an acceptable reason for attempting to make a N2 Minigun

**Aoba Shigeru- **Stop trying to incite conflict between the various factions, there's enough of that already.

**Asuka Langley Soryu- **We know that you were responsible for the raid on the armory, there is no point trying to deny it.

**Ayanami Rei- **We know that you were responsible for the raid on the prototype storage bay, there is no point trying to deny it. Return that cloning device at once.

**Evangelion Units 05-13- **You are not allowed to form a betting pool on who will start the "Harem War"

**Fuyutsuki Kozou- **Stop smuggling Tang to Rei, it won't end well.

**Horaki Hikari- **You are not allowed to try to kidnap Suzuhara from Nagisa. He is quite territorial.

**Ibuki Maya- **What did we tell you about stealing peoples undergarments. Neither Nagisa or Soryu are amused.

**Ikari Shinji- **You are to report to Secure Bunker 101 for an indefinite period for your own safety

**Jet Alone- **Not every problem can be solved through application of heavy weapons fire.

_Lies- JA_

**Kaji Ryoji- **You are not allowed to play double agent for either Nagisa or Soryu

**Katsuragi Misato- **Stop trying to form your own harem, Kaji is on too many sides already.

**Matarael- **Get off of my leg.

**Nagisa Kaworu- **Soryu will not listen to reason, you should know this by now.

**The Ree- **Stop trying to free Shinji, he's in that bunker for his own protection.

**The Soryoru- **You are not Soryu's private army, stop behaving as such.

**Suzuhara Toji- **The inevitable conflict does not need theme music.

**Unit 01- **Stop using my money to place bets.

**Zeruel- **Stop trying to hire yourself out as a mercenary.

* * *

**Next Up: Serial Escalation**


	22. Chapter 21: Copyrighted by Yagami

**Chapter 21: [Copyrighted by Yagami]**

**[Transcript of the Ayanami Alliance War Council Chatroom]**

**Users Online:**

**Overlord-sama**

**Blackwatch-1**

**MissMeta**

**PurpleHairFTW**

**Happy_Glasses**

**TheReaper**

**ExcelExcel**

**RaitoShine**

**c0gb01**

**Chatlog:**

Overlord-sama: Are we all Here?

ExcelExcel: Yeee~p

Happy_Glasses: :3

MissMeta: Hai

TheReaper: I am Present

Blackwatch-1: Yes

PurpleHairFTW: Yo

c0gb01: Sup

RaitoShine: Here

Overlord-sama: Kay, soooo~ooo what have you guys done?

Blackwatch-1: we have the prototype storage bay under our control

ExcelExcel: Camee~raas Aaaaa~re Set

c0gb01: 7r4p5 r 1n pl4c3

PurpleHairFTW: What?

RaitoShine: He said "Traps are in place"

Happy_Glasses: I'm set for orbital drop

TheReaper: My mission to swap out their ammunition is in place

MissMeta: I stole Asuka's underwear

Blackwatch-1: …Really?

MissMeta: Yee~eeep, all of it. And Kaworu's

RaitoShine: moving on… Cake has been positioned.

Overlord-sama: Yeeessss Yeeesssss, very good my minions, now we have just one thing left to say.

RaitoShine: What?

Overlord-sama: Just. as. planned

**[End of Transcript]**


	23. Chapter 22: Response

**Chapter 22: Response**

[SEELE COUNCIL REPORT]

Members Present: 01, 03, 05, 06

01: Are our forces in position?

03: They are.

01: And the JSSDF.

06: They will aid in the assault.

05: Eva Units 14-18 are prepped, NERV won't know what hit them.

03: I expect that that will be because there won't be a NERV when we finish.

01: I hope that that will be the case, Ikari's actions will no longer be tolerated.

06: Are you sure that this is a good idea? We don't know anything about their offensive capabilities aside from Units 00-03.

05: They will pay for the destruction of the Eva series, and the Mark 06.

01: The scenario will come to pass, Ikari cannot change what is predetermined.

03: Yes, our victory is inevitable.

01: This meeting is adjorned

**Next up: More Preparations.**


	24. Chapter 23: Asuka prepares to strike

**A/N Virtual Cookies to whoever can identify the usernames. Of both war councils (Asuka and Rei don't count.)**

**Chapter 23: **Asuka prepares to strike.

**[Transcript log, Asuka's war council]**

**Chat open**

**Users Online:**

**The_Great_Asuka_Langly_Soryu**

**Casanova**

**xXDarkRocker666Xx**

**Big_Guy**

**Professor_Tang**

The_Great_Asuka_Langly_Soryu: Status Report.

Professor_Tang: Operation Drink Mix is go

Casanova: Weapon Caches planted, beer is in place

xXDarkRocker666Xx: Distraction Soworu maneuver prepped

The_Great_Asuka_Langly_Soryu: Good, any word on what the others are planning?

Casanova: Rei's council was on an encrypted server, and nobody has any idea what Nagisa's up to.

Professor_Tang: Well thats ominous

xXDarkRocker666Xx: The Ree are still trying to free Shinji.

Big_Guy: The Evas are staying neutral. I think. You never know with Unit 01

The_Great_Asuka_Langly_Soryu: Well that simplifies things a bit, but we still need countermeasures.

Casanova: We do have that Distraction Ball that Akagi made.

The_Great_Asuka_Langly_Soryu: Well I think that ties up everything, prepare to begin on my signal.


	25. Shipping Wars Part 1: Oooo Shiny

**Jesakofedo Presents**

**Inspired by**

**Please stop eating the Hell butterflies**

**Nge:Nobody Die, **

**Shinji and Warhammer 40,000**

**Taking Sights**

**The Father Knows Best Trilogy**

**NGE:A little Angel on my shoulder**

**How not to write Evangelion fanfics/self-inserts**

_**After you finish reading this, go read them, they are amazing.**_

**Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Missive from the Commander**

**The First Thanksgiving Special**

**Inspired in plot by End Of Evangelion**

**Shipping Wars(Or, SEELE's continued Villain Decay)**

**Part 1: Oooo Shiny**

The Battle-lines had been drawn, and the Geofront had been split into three territories, one for each of the feuding pilots. Rei controlled her kingdom from Sheol, holding court on a throne made from the corpses of giants. Asuka had taken everything between Central Dogma and the Cages as her own. And Kaworu held the hanging city, looking down on the lake.

War was brewing, and everyone at NERV was too terrified to do anything other than hide. Even Gendo had locked down his office. As such, nobody noticed the approach of SEELE's strike force, aided by the full might of the JSSDF, the three massive T-RI-DENT land cruisers, The newly created Jet Alone Prime, and the Evangelion Wolfpac units.

The remaining Mass Production Evangelions flew over the army, intent on destroying those who had killed their brethren.

In the Geofront, the Eva Series rested at the bottom of the lake. In Asuka's fortress, the Sorworu prepared for battle, donning red and orange armor. The Mark 06 lay dormant in the Cages.

In high orbit, a bespectacled girl with dark red hair sat in an Entry Plug, waiting for the signal.

Deep below, Rei grinned, and pressed a trigger. Explosions rang out, and several sections of Tokyo-3 fell into the Geofront, bringing the TRIDENTs, JAP, and a large portion of the JSSDF forces, with them.

Outside Earth's atmosphere, Mari Illustrious Makinami gave a berserk laugh, and the shell over Evangelion Mark 08 exploded, as the pink mecha dropped.

Kaworu smiled, then promptly stopped, as he saw SEELE's army arrive. "Huh, didn't see that coming." he muttered.

Asuka glared outside, and turned to face her cloned army. "_**TODAY YOU PROVE WETHER YOU ARE WORTHY OF MY AFFECTIONS. TODAY, YOU YOU WILL CRUSH ALL THOSE WHO STAND BEFORE US. THEY MAY HAVE MONSTERS OF METAL AND FLESH ON THEIR SIDE, BUT WE DO AS WELL, AND WE ALSO HAVE SOMETHING THAT TRUMPS ALL OF THAT! DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?" **_

"ASUKA! ASUKA! ASUKA! ASUKA!"

They chanted

"_**THAT'S RIGHT! ME, THE GREAT ASUKA LANGLEY SORYU! TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR THEM TO DIE!"**_

The Army of Soryu marched forth to wage glorious war.

Rei's smile grew wider, and she whispered "_Evangelion, RISE!" _And hundreds of cyclopean eyes opened for the first time.

The chaos had just begun


	26. Shipping Wars Part 2:Rebuild of MP-Eva

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of Updates, on Thanksgiving I managed to badly sprain my ankle, and the power was out, but now I'm back. Lets continue shall we**

**Shipping Wars Chapter 2: Rebuild of MP-Eva**

One of the Wolfpac units glared at the approaching Unit 02, towering over it. The massive Eva opened it's mouth, preparing to unleash the positron cannon within, when something _erupted_ from below.

"**I AM ZERUEL! ANGEL OF MIIIIIIIGHT! YOU ANNOY ME! PREPARE TO DIE!**

The automated war machine was gutted by Zeruel's eye blasts. One of the TRIDENTS rushed the Angel from behind, and was decapitated offhandedly.

"**PATHETIC LILIM WEAPONS! YOU CANNOT COMPARE TO ME! I AM SECOND TO THE FATHER! INHERITOR OF HIS BOUNDLESS RAAAAAAGE! YOU CANNOT COMPARE TO MY GLOOOOORY!"**

While Zeruel was tearing the TRIDENT apart, Asuka was facing down the Eva Series.

"Come at me _BITCHES_!" She taunted, cracking her knuckles. "Hold on Asuka!" One of the Sorworu transmitted. "HEY GUYS WE'RE NOT DEAD!" They yelled up at the white Evas, who promptly tilted their heads. Then one of them hissed.

"Oh Shi-" Was all Asuka had time to say, before one of them pounced.

And was smashed into the ground by a pink blur which crashed through the ceiling.

Eight green eyes set on a visor flickered to life, and the object stood up.

"_Suprise Princess-chan! Did you miss me?"_ Mari Illustrious Makinami smiled.

"Oh Gott, how could this get any worse?" Asuka groaned. "_Neee~ver Tempt Faaaa~te ;3"_

Rei giggled, as the shaft to Terminal Dogma opened, and the first hand emerged.

Everyone, even the non-sentient TRIDENT units stopped to stare at the yawning pit, and the things that were crawling out of it. The failed Eva prototypes, cyclopean eyes glowing a toxic yellow, dragged themselves out of the tunnel, jaws hanging open.

Some were missing arms, others lacked legs, and moved by crawling on their bellies. Some were misshapen, with limbs that were disproportionately long or short. All of them had a single horn on their heads.

"_ALL HAIL MAMA REIGLE!" _Rei yelled, as the now green painted Unit 00 floated to the surface, it's four legs dangling below it. Raising it's right arm, which now ended in a jousting lance longer than the Eva was tall. "_GO FORTH MY REEGLEITE HORDE, DESTROY SEELE, FOR INTERFERING IN OUR SHIPPING WAR!" _Inside Unit 02, Asuka palmed her face. "Great, not only do I have to deal with my ex,(Yes, I have now completely broken my no shipping rule, and I ship AsuMari, lol) But now Rei has somehow, in spite of the Commander's efforts, discovered Warhammer." The Sorworu stared at one another. "Mari?" One asked. "Ex?" Asked another. As one, the clones of Nagisa collapsed backwards, bleeding profusely from their noses.

Asuka began smacking her head against the side of the entry plug, swearing violently.

The Reegleite's were busy tearing the JSSDF forces apart. Literally. As one would expect when an army of Eva scale zombies attack conventional troops.

Inside Central Dogma, the Pattern Blue alarm rang out.

High above, in low orbit, Sahaquiel stared down on Tokyo-3. The Angel contacted Matarael's Overmind. "_can it b hug timez naow?_" She asked. "_Yep!"_ The Angel of Rain replied. "_YAYZ!"_ Sahaquiel squealed, and began to descend, shrinking as she did.

As the massive orb that was Sahaquiel's outer shell neared Tokyo-3, it split apart, revealing a smaller sphere about as large as Zeruel, which was pulsing rainbow colors.

Sahaquiel came to a halt above the main bulk of SEELE's attack force. "_HUGZ FOR EVRYONE!"_ She yelled happily, and began to unravel. Two wings, looking almost like upraised hands, extended to the Angel's sides. Hundreds of flat orange fronds sprouted from the tops of the wings, each one growing similar wings. With a sound very similar to a flock of excited Ree, the swarm of Sahaquim flew down to deliver the gift of HUGZ to the soldiers below.

At NERV-2, underneath Berlin, Keel Lorenz was wringing his hands, repeating a single phrase. "Not as planned." over and over, as he observed the "battle".

In Gendo's office, The Commander suddenly felt intense satisfaction, although he couldn't figure out why.

Kaworu Nagisa was obsessed with dramatic entrances, and he was not about to be upstaged by his rivals. The Evangelion Mark 06 rose from the lake, flanked on one side by Unit 03, and on the other by Jet Alone. Behind them, the MP-Units hovered in a V formation. Their armor redesigned to look like the Mark 06's while retaining their white coloring.

The Remaining Eva-Series immediately flocked to join their brethren. Inside the entry plug, Kaworu smiled, and switched on the broadcast system.

"_Exactly as Planned!"_

**To be Concluded**


End file.
